Cut the Shit

Update

So I'm home and my cable and DSL is working. I'm no longer trapped in my cave and feeling desolate. This depression crash wasn't about the cable being out...that only made it the straw that broke the depressed kid's back.

I had an incredible phone call with my mom this afternoon, after I wrote my initial post. It's my dad's and her anniversary today (31 years! - damn!) and we talked all about it for a good five minutes. Then she said "So how are you?" I went from pretending to be completely normal to saying "Mom...I'm really not good today and..." - that's when I started to cry. I was sitting on the curb in front of my office building and I started to cry. It was humiliating, but I couldn't help it. I felt so SAD inside and my mom's simple question released the storm.

Wonderfully tho...my mom understands this depression thing well. She let me cry and get out my insanity and then she immediately started to give me options of what I could do tonight to make me feel better...all the while saying "I know that this is an easy solution and probably doesn't make you feel any better". Amazingly, she has the ability to ride the fine line between listening to me and offering help, but never making it about her nor comparing it to a time when she was depressed. FEW people can talk to a depressed person and make them feel genuinely better (I am not one of those people).

My mom's got the gift. And in the matter of a phone call, she turned my day around. She gave me hope and reminded me that she prays for me every day, asking God to make my depression take a backseat so that I can function like a normal human being. It may sound cheesy, but for those of us that believe strongly in prayer, hearing that my mother and father do that on a daily basis makes me feel important and incredibly loved. At the end of the conversation, I thanked her and apologized repeatedly for being so needy (I can't help it...always feeling guilty) and gave her one last "Happy Anniversary". We got off the phone and know what she did?

She stayed a little late at work and sent me an ecard. And not just a lame ecard...an appropriately specific and funny ecard. And her message was "You know that I'm always just a phone call away."

This woman is everything to me. God...she owns so much of my heart, it's unbelievable.

Right now I feel ok. Not depressed, not happy...just kind of worn out. I feel like I've just come back from an exhausting hike. It's been a strange and overwhelming couple of hours. And I'm glad to be able to go back to feeling content again.

Lastly...and I won't say much about it...cuz everyone and their mother's mother is already saying too much...

I clicked on Perez Hilton before I signed on to Blogger and saw even more obsessive Britney coverage. Now, I do love Perez Hilton and obsessively check his page whenever I'm at the computer and I don't blame him in particular for any of his reporting...

BUT

Britney Spears is absolutely falling apart. And it is VERY clear to me that the primary cause for her acting out is based on living underneath the most vile of microscopes - the fucking media. She's made some major mistakes in the last few years, just as we ALL do. I have so many secrets in my life and I would DIE if it was splayed on the cover of every major magazine. This poor girl is being hosed by every single person she comes into contact with. She escapes with drugs, she blows her senses out so that she can finally experience that dull "I don't care what people think about me" feeling. That's not an addiction, that's an extreme cry for help.

She is actually a human being. Shocking, right? It's so easy to sit here and bash her and that's exactly what's led her to this extreme downward spiral. Leave the girl the fuck alone! SERIOUSLY.

I read a quote recently that was base, but it's still in my head. "You can only beat a dog so many times before he gets off the porch."

It's inevitable. Stalk Britney at the clubs, stalk Britney at Starbucks, stalk Britney at FUCKING REHAB and you watch what happens.

The girl is going to feel SO low that she's gonna drive to a remote hotel and kill herself.

No?

Don't be naive.

You can say that it's us that made her a star, but does that mean that we're allowed to break her down to the point where she doesn't even have the OPTION of getting better...figuring her shit out...growing up? Cuz when she does, we're right there WAITING for her to drop the ball - WAITING for the moment when we can laugh and point and have something to talk about.

The media is destroying her and the fact that CNN (CNN!?!?!) has devoted so much time to this, since she shaved her head bald, is appaling.

It's unforgiveable.

These will be the same people that, when she does something as extreme as suicide, will turn around and make a shitload of money off of covering it for another 6 months to a year.

It's one thing to be into a star's life and to see a video of them being refused entrance to HYDE...but this...

This is the worst showcase of humanity that I've seen in the entertainment world to date.

Whatever. I feel for this girl and if anyone has the gumption to start mouthing off about her "nonsense" in front of me, I'm going to feel comfortable putting them in their place.

Unless they have a gun.

Then I'll just "shhh". Guns make it an uneven playing field and I don't think me talking them to death is going to work.

Night.

*Thank you to RANGEFINDERMAG.COM for the pic. http://www.rangefindermag.com